I will warn you, this is going to be a little bit of a different kind of blog post. It’s going to be raw, emotional and it will be lacking the silly humorous undertones I usually try to incorporate. It’s probably going to come off as a bit vague and may leave you thinking: wow, that was really pointless, I understand none of what is going on. This post though is more for me than anyone else and readers might not understand the details, but maybe you can identify with some of the raw emotions I am facing as I reflect on this very hard season.
This holiday season was hands down the most emotionally draining December I have ever experienced in my life. I thought I had it all together, I thought I knew what to expect and that I had a plan to make things okay, but I was vastly wrong. I put up my Christmas tree, and I was happy with my decorations, but even that couldn’t curb the deep loneliness and guilt I felt.
Things started to fall apart the Friday before Christmas. Me being the oblivious person I am waited until that day to talk with Ryan about any Christmas plans, thinking that I had a plan in my head that would be “perfect” and “work for both of us.” And if you can’t already tell: I was vastly wrong.
Over the course of the next week we ended up in countless arguments bigger than any we have ever had before, over what I wanted to do, what he wanted to do and what we both wanted to do. Plans were made, flipped upside down, made again, changed, and then changed some more as unexpected things came about.
In order to give a little more perspective and understanding here I am going to do a bit of vague explaining. One thing I am not sure I will ever go into detail about on here is the situation between my husband and my family. Not only is it an INCREDIBLY long and complex story, but the details are very personal and not really something I want smeared across the internet. However, if you have not gathered this already, it is important to note here that tensions often times run high between myself, my family, and Ryan and this year those feelings made Christmas ESPECIALLY hard to navigate.
I know that people always talk about the struggles couples face during the holidays. I have heard countless times about the arguments people get into over whose family they will be with and when. Now imagine those normal people problems times about 5000 and you can get a LITTLE BIT of a picture of what I am dealing with.
Anyways, the holidays for me were spent wishing desperately that I could be two places at once. It felt like I could not relax and enjoy any of it for more than a few seconds without wishing I were somewhere else. For the first time, I felt like the magic of Christmas was truly gone and it felt like a burden more than anything. I have cried more times than I can count over the last few weeks, regardless of the holiday’s importance to me.
Normally I’m someone who goes into a bit of a depression after the holidays are done. There is so much anticipation built that peaks for a few days and then normally I would crash down. This year though there has been none of that. I crashed down over the few days that made of Christmas and now that it is over, I feel nothing but relief. I made a LOT of bad decisions over the last few weeks, I hurt a lot of people and I hurt myself.
I was afraid of change. I so desperately wanted things to stay the same, for just one last Christmas. For one last Christmas I wanted to feel the joy and magic that I usually do, and in the way I usually do. I wanted to feel the love of everyone around me and for just a few days not have to think about the stresses of reality. I wanted just one last time to live in a world that is the closest to perfect that I may ever get (even if it is still so far away). I didn’t want things to change, but the fact of the matter is, they are and sometimes that is going to make things hard.
Next year things will be different. I will be more transparent, I will probably go over the plan 50 billion times with Ryan to make sure we are on the same page. Hell, I might even go over it with him multiple times a day throughout the entire month of December. I will try my hardest to live in the moment and enjoy the time with the people I am with instead of thinking about those whom I am not. I will go out of my way to make things special for my daughter (even though she will not even yet be 1). I will start traditions of my own and try my absolute darndest to make things better than this year, because I don’t think I can take another year like this. Most of all though, next year I will be 100% putting my daughter and husband first. Before all else.
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