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Writer's pictureHannah Stadtfeld
Nov 17, 20185 min read

When a Man Becomes a Father

They say a woman becomes a mother from the moment she see’s that second line and a man becomes a dad when his child is born. For Ryan, I call bullshit.


People tell you pregnancy is hard, and people tell you parenting is hard, (they REALLY make sure you know that second one) but what they don’t tell you is how hard pregnancy can be for the dad. They tell you your wife will be hormonal, but they don’t tell you she might stop saying I love you and replace that with “I feel ambivalent towards you.” They tell you she might get morning sickness, but they don’t tell you about cleaning out her puke bucket 8 times a day. They tell you to comfort her when she throws up, but they don’t tell you she might yell at you when you rub her back while she pukes out the car door. They tell you your wife will angrily say, “this is your fault,” but they don’t tell you about the nights she will spend crying because she’s angry at you, but she knows she shouldn’t be. They tell you she might “experience a decrease in libido” but they don’t tell you that your touch might stop bringing her comfort at all. They tell you she will become a mother, but they don’t tell you that you might lose your wife in the process. There is A LOT they don’t tell you.


Ryan became a father months ago as I turned into a person that I don’t recognize. He had to watch his normally energetic, happy go lucky, always-wanting-to-do-something wife, turn into a helpless woman that could do nothing for herself, and whom his touch no longer comforted. He took it all in stride though, cooking whatever I wanted, (on the few days that I could eat) doing all of the grocery shopping and cleaning, teaching summer school for extra money, making me smoothies, (even if I could only drink a few sips) and still finding moments to say I love you to me, even if it didn’t sound like much when I found it in myself to mumble the words back. Most importantly of all though, he stayed the loving partner that he always has been, even when I no longer recognized myself. Even when I’m sure he ran out of ideas about how to comfort me, and even when my hands pushing him away probably stabbed him in the heart, he continued to try and he DID NOT for a second let me see his love for me waver. Never once.


Even now that I’m feeling marginally better he is still going above and beyond. To say that Ryan has been working hard is a vast understatement. He recently took out a second job on top of teaching in order to afford a better health insurance package. Yesterday he was up for over 24 hours straight. He woke up in the morning at 6 a.m. as usual, went to school to teach, got back at 5:30 p.m., (because, as anyone who’s a teacher knows, teaching isn’t a 9-5 job, teaching is a lifestyle) took me out to dinner because Friday nights are our date nights, we went and visited some friends for a few hours and then went home. I went to bed around 11, but the night was only getting started for him. He went out to drive Lyft as I was falling asleep in our bed. I woke up early that morning (plagued by nausea of course) and noticed when I came out of the bathroom that he was sitting on the couch. I asked him what time it was and as he sat there, un-showered and still dressed in his teaching clothes he told me it was 6 a.m. He had just arrived home and not yet gone to sleep. Mind you, this was all on a Friday night after having spent every other day this week working at school on 5 hours of sleep a night and then driving for at least 4 hours afterwards.

Even now as I write this, he is out driving. He said he might be back by 4 a.m.


So I am here to tell you it’s not true. There’s no universal moment when a man becomes a father, and a woman becomes a mother, and they might become many other people in between. There is also no universal pregnancy or perfect way of dealing with the hardships and more than anything, pregnancy is hard on the mom, but it is hard on the dad too and we need to do a better job of acknowledging that.

So, to close today I want to give my thanks to Ryan.


Ryan,

I have loved you for a long time and we have dreamed about becoming parents together for just as long. I have always known that you would make an amazing father, but never did I expect that you would have to put up with half of the things that you have, let alone take them with as much grace and patience as you have shown me over these past 6 months.

You have been there during my darkest moments and have heard me say countless things that were so far beyond hard to hear. You have worked far past “overtime” both in a formal work setting and at home with me. You have watched me turn into someone that even I didn’t recognize, someone that had feelings towards you that I never thought possible…but you took it all in stride.

You still laid in bed next to me when your touch no longer helped, you dried my tears when words were no longer able to repair my hurt, you validated my feelings when I said I wasn’t sure if I could ever do this again, and you loved me when I needed it most.

I’m not sure you remember, but when we were in high school (very soon after we got together actually) you made me a promise I will never forget. You said, “I promise to always be what you deserve in a boyfriend, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to confide in, and an ever-present morsel of support for everything you try to do to better yourself in life.” I’m here to tell you that shaggy haired 17-year-old-boy kept his promise. He has went far above and beyond at keeping that promise, and I am forever grateful for it. I love you more than we have time on this earth to explain. You are my husband, partner, and best friend and I cannot wait to watch you with our daughter.

Love,

Hannah

Xoxo<3



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