I thought that I was prepared for pregnancy, not because I thought it would be easy, but because I thought I had a realistic vision of what was to come. See, my Mom was really sick while pregnant with my brother and I, and she never tried to hide that from me. As a kid I grew up hearing stories about how she had to keep a bucket under her register at work because she was throwing up so much. She talked about how some days it would be so bad that she would lay on the couch and say nothing, all day. My grandma was the same way. As mothers and grandmothers do, they of course always told me they hoped I'd have it different, but that I probably wouldn't. Boy were they right.
I remember the first time I threw up. It was in the afternoon and when I came out of the bathroom Ryan and I laughed and smiled at each other. I was throwing up! The pregnancy was becoming real! What a joke. My puking very quickly escalated from endearing to terrifying. I started throwing up 8+ times a day and was only able to keep down a cheerio here and a saltine there. Even in moments where maybe I could have kept more down, absolutely nothing sounded good, not even the best slice of chocolate cake in the world. Absolutely nothing. I spent so many house crying and wishing I would never have to eat again but still survive. I truly hated food.
It got so bad that I ended up with perinatal depression (depression during pregnancy). It got so bad that I developed a new found understanding for anyone who advocates for assisted suicide. I knew that I did not want to kill myself, but my mind convinced me that this would be the rest of my life. I felt so terrible and was throwing up so often that I could not conceive how my body could possibly recover. I had lost any idea of what "normal" felt like. I found myself lying in bed at night, crying for hours and feeling so horrible for those experiencing something similar with no way out. Never in my life had I been in such a dark and lonely place.
Slowly but surely things have started to get better. I was down 20 pounds, eating a handful of almonds in an hour was a huge achievement, but I could see a light at the end of some very distant tunnel. I started taking vitamin b6 a few times a day and that cut back my throwing up from 8+ times a day to 6-8 times a day (sometimes even as low as 3 or 4, woohoo!). In mid September when I was about 4 1/2 months pregnant I went off the b6 to see how my body would react and I did okay! Slowly but surely the throwing up became less and less and I am now so happy to report that as I enter my 3rd trimester I am only throwing up about once a day (and sometimes I even have lucky days where I don't throw up at all). Food is still a challenge, my stomach seems to have shrunk so I am working hard to try and get back to 3 meals a day with healthy portion sizes and two snacks. I have gained back 4 of the pounds that I lost which does not sound like much, but we're getting there!
For any mama's out though who are struggling, I want to leave you with some realistic tips. They might work for you, they might not, but I completely understand the desperation of looking through every nook and cranny of the internet for something that might help, even just a little.
1) Try it ALL- b6, ginger supplements, prescription medication, eating every hour, only eating flavorless foods, sleeping, showering, sitting in front of a fan, peppermint oil, no smells, exercising, no exercising, sea sick bands, try it ALL! Some of it might work for you, or non of it might work for you, but even if you can find something to take the edge off, it's worth it.
2) Ask For Help- For months Ryan had to do SO MUCH for me. I am talking everything from cooking all of my meals to cleaning out my puke bucket. There was even a time when he blew into my mouth while I held one nostril in order to dislodge a piece of food that had gotten stuck in my nose after a particularly violent puke. He was a trooper! I was helpless and he worked SO hard for me. HG is hard, ASK PEOPLE FOR HELP.
3) Find a Comfortable Position to Puke in- Now I know this sounds ridiculous and obviously is not always possible because you don't schedule nausea, but if you can find a comfortable way to slouch over the toilet, it is helpful. I have gotten really friendly with the toilet in recent months!
4) Know That it WILL Get Better- It might be tomorrow, or it might be the day your baby is born, but this will not last forever. Even in the darkest moments when it feels like your body could never recover, have faith and know that it will!
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